The plan...

Paulo Coelho, my favorite author, says....."And, when you want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it ... It's called the principle of favorability, beginner's luck. Because life wants you to achieve your destiny." Right now, there is something I want more than anything. I want to go back to school. I want to be a nurse. For years I have been trying to figure out what to get my Master's in. I've looked at Public Health, Social Work, Public Service... everything I would look at got me excited, made me do a little research and then within a few months I could care less. The same thing happened a year ago when I looked at the U of M second career nursing program. After realizing how much work was involved and sucumbing to the fear that it would be "too difficult to do with a baby and I would miss so much of her life..." I lost interest in this as well. BUT, in January, for whatever reason I stumbled back on the nursing site and this time, something sparked inside of me. It was that "desire that originated in the soul of the Universe that Paulo talks about in The Alchemist, I haven't lost it, in fact that desire has increased. Each time I get a step closer to my goal (being admitted into one of the 55 spots that are available) I get much more excited! This is really exciting!!! I have had one "omen" after another that probably helps with the excitement, Paulo says to "follow the omens" and I am. Each one makes me that much more confident that I have made the right choice and that this is my destiny.

So, I start the biggest, and maybe most challenging leg of the journey May 12th. After that, in August, I can apply to the school. Within a few weeks to a few months (it's rolling admissions this year so I should hear shortly after I apply...should...) and then I take it from there. I will enroll in another class in September regardless and if I am accepted I will finish up my prerequisites and begin school in SEPTEMBER OF 2009, finishing in August of 2010 (SO FAR AWAY!!!!!!!!) I would then have to pass the state exams and imaging that I would have my first job in 2011 (wooo hoo, three years away!!!! I can't wait!!!)

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"It is only by following your deepest instinct that you can lead a rich life, and if you let your fear of consequence prevent you from following your deepest instinct then your life will be safe, expedient, and thin."

Katherine Butler Hathaway

Why does it still seem so real....

There are times when I close my eyes and my mind floods with memories of Honduras, Guatemala and Chile. More often than not the memories are a source of amusement, remembering all the wonderful and crazy things that happened. Other times it's as if they are haunting me, filling me with such an intense longing and a hint of emptiness that I feel as if the only way to make things right is to hop on a plane and get back down there as quickly as possible. For many months now I have been trying to do just that, get back down there. It feels like a part of me is still, and always will be down there, a part of myself that I loved...and that I am slowly losing. It's hard to make most people understand how 2 months of cold showers, big bugs, and third-world living could actually be liberating and addicting...but is was... I've thought many times about taking Eva down with me, it just scares me to think about taking her down there being so little....carrying everything for the two of us, her running off, the diseases... When I get scared like that I always think about my favorite book The Alchemist (by Paulo Coelho) and I ask myself...Do I want to be the shephard or the baker? I don't EVER want to be the baker....EVER...I feel as if I have been lately...but, changes are in the works, and I might have to suck it up and see if someone can watch Eva (I feel selfish and horrible for even wanting to go somewhere without her) so that I can go back for a few days, find that part of myself again and restore my sanity. At least for a little while.

EVA

A tiny miracle. A beautiful being that can bring a smile to my face and make me laugh out loud even when she's not around. Flirtatious. Intelligent. Brave. She makes it very difficult to even imagine our lives with another child because I can't understand how I could ever love any other child as much as I do her. She deserves it all. My love, my time, my energy, and yes, my money.

Watching her grow has been amazing - physically - she is like a weed growing so fast and getting around so quickly! Her facial features are just stunning. She's always the entertainer with her multitude of facial expressions and noises. Mentally - she's so sharp. It's like watching my child development textbook come to life. I am thrilled that I chose psychology as my major because I know that I have more (much more) patience and understanding for my little bundle of wonder and discovery (a.k.a trouble maker) because I have that knowledge.

Eva brings a type of joy and fullfillment to my life that I still continuously struggle to put into words. I look forward to each day and am excited to share the World with her, helping her to discover her surroundings - near and far. She is my angel, the love of my life, my daughter, Eva.