** UPDATE **

IF you read the previous post, you will see that many changes have and are happening rather quickly. Some things have happened in the past few months that have scared me away from writing like I would like to, but in a very short time this will all change as my blog will soon take on a whole new spin. I love to write, and I need to write. I will no longer be afraid to do so. I look forward to having many people read my words again soon. WIth love, Alissa.

preoccupaciones del futuro / worries of the future

The past few nights I have cried myself to sleep. Crying for all the unknown things that lie ahead in my life. Most of my concerns have to do with the feelings of control lost over the past few months. These feelings come and go as things change, which is constant of course, the changes. Many of you know, many don't. In a very short time I will share all with the World. I guess more than anything I seem to swell with this overwhelming fear while I lay in bed each night thinking and worrying about many of the possible twists and turns my life may take in the upcoming months and years. I worry, I panic, I cry and eventually I fall asleep. I know this all sounds rather depressing and dramatic, and trust me it does feel that way for a few minutes each day but I finally reazlied while i was driving the other day that I have to put a stop to most of these feelings...afterall, hasn't everything worked out positively up to now????? Hasn't every piece of my life, especially the unexpected ones, worked out so well that I've had some absolutely incredible experiences and accomplished a lot? The bottom line is that very few things in life work out as they are planned, hell, most things just come out of nowhere and smack you upside the head, and this has all worked out well. Even the things that hurt me most eventually passed. All this led me over the years to firmly believe that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, and that everything will basically happen as it is supposed to if you welcome and work with the pieces you come across (what they call "omens" in the book the "Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho). SOOOOO why should I fear the future? I'm not saying that everything will be perfect, struggle or pain free, but I can't force the future, I can merely follow and take part in the present. I'm not saying that I'm not going to plan or work FOR the future because that is the smartest thing to do, but the most realistic things is to be flexible with the future, so that you don't get crushed by all those unexpected things that come your way. So, I'm not saying that I won't cry again, afterall I still am lonely, but I'm not going to panic about all the thousands of things that COULD happen in the future, because I know that everything can change in a second and just because some doors close doesn't mean that all of them do, or that new ones won't open. This comforts me. I only hope that it helps comfort the people outside of myself who are affected by my decisions.

Excitement

Well, I've been in Santiago, Chile for 5 days now, and already managed to miss my first earthquake/tremor. How sad am I?!? At about 4 pm today a pretty significant tremor shook the city for about 15 seconds (the second in a week) and I totally misssed it. I NEVER FELT A THING. I am REALLY disappointed. However, don't feel bad for me just yet, not only are these things fairly common but with recent evidence and past history, the Chileans believe that this may be the year of their next truly significant and devastating quake. As much as I want to experience one of mother natures greates displays of her power, I don't know that I'm ready to experience one where the Earth literally opens up and swallows everything around it. OR am I really ready or looking forward to the Tsunami that could possibly follow, and seeing as I am due to be living very very near to the ocean....this could be a very very bad thing!

OK, enough of natural disasters. The first four days were exhausting and I spent most of Sunday (Our ONLY free day) resting, doing some casual walking on streets that today felt very much like Barcelona with the rows of street vendors and antique booths and street performers, eating ice cream ( a chilean favorite), reading a much deserved book and listening to music. Each day of orientation is about 12-13 hours long Monday - Saturday including plenty of walking and hardly any interesting or nutritous food. I have managed to opt out of every late night group outing (ok, i'm not the ONLY one) because I am completely drained by the time we finish our late dinner and daily wrap up. So I usually do a little chatting on the phone with my boyfriend, write a few e-mails and some reading then around 11 pm I crawl into bed and pass out. I could go out, but I don't see how staying out till 2 or 3 am will make waking up at 6 or 7 the next day and doing another grueling 12-13 hours of orientation could make my life any easier....

Speaking of, it's looking beautiful outside so i think i will do some more of that casual walking with my favorite music.