ouchhhhhhhhhhh!

Jeez. I swore I swore I swore I wouldn't give my baby girl any medicine but the pre-natal BUT once again I have too :( This time I have a really bad ear infection, and I finally couldn't stand the pain anymore this morning (mostly because I knew it was only going to get worse) and had to go to a clinic. SoOoOoOo now we're taking pennicillan and tylenol. Surprsingly the ear drops are Class C drugs (not safe for pregnancy) so we're hoping that the antibiotics alone do the trick. Well, even though it's not by my choosing, it looks like I will spend my saturday evening studying for the GRE. I guess I just need to accept the fact that certain parts of my life are pretty much history now. OK, i'm feeling sleepy again, but I need to do a few things before I meet Kristen up at Borders.
Love to all

To MY angel

Not a cloud can be found in a piercing blue sky as I sit by an empty pool listening to the same song over and over. For years and years I've heard the song, and every time I hear it I stop in my tracks to listen. It has always pulled on me in a way that I have never really understood. For those who know me well, I've always believe that life can be lived through music. No matter what you are going through or feeling there is always a song that fits you at that moment...Even if it's only a few lines. Even when I'm not finding solace or inspiration in a recorded song my heart bleeds from my fingers onto a keyboard. Anyways, back to the song! It's an old song by ROBBIE WILLIAMS called "ANGEL". This song, as much as I always loved it, became monumental for me while traveling in Honduras and Guatemala because I always ALWAYS heard it on the radio. This song has literally followed me around the World. (That and Hotel California!) I will never forget one night in particular, in Copan Ruinas, Honduras in the beginning of September 2005. My mom had just left the country and I went to the local pool/discoteque/karaoke bar/pool hall (the "Activity Center") with my good friend Courtney from U of M and 2 guys from my language classes to play pool and have a few drinks on Courtney and the other guys last night in Copan. Around 11 pm or so we decided we absolutely had to go swimming. Soooo, in the pitch black we trudged uphill through one of the seedier parts of town to our respective homes to change clothes. After meeting back up, we confidently walked downhill in our bathing suits through the same seedy part of town back to the activity center. Once we got to the pool we hid our belongings in the bushes (very sneaky right?) and jumped into this perfect little pool. With the karaoke bar (and many of the towns people) in front of us we lived life to its fullest as a LOT of drunk people looked on. While we were swimming around and laughing "ANGEL" came over the loudspeaker and i stopped in the middle of the pool to listen, and to belt it out with the guy from my class. That moment was SO SO SO intense, so much bigger than myself that it's impossible for me to even explain it. I never wanted to leave that pool, that song, especially not that moment. Well, here I am nearly a year later, and my life is pretty damn far from where I imagined it would ever be. Everyone knows I firmly believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason, and lately I have forgotten to find comfort in that fact as I let my situation swallow me whole. There have been times when I think about where I could have been right now, of course, but I have NEVER felt bad about about how that aspect of my life has changed because I am determined to continue with those dreams someday, with my daughter by my side. This is why I get so upset with people who think it is appropriate to stop and take the time to tell me how disappointed in me they are. First off, I've never once been disappointed in what has happened. This pregnancy has brought be so much happiness, I truly consider her my miracle and I wouldn't take her back for ANYTHING. YES, OF COURSE, I am very angry and hurt about how things are working out with her daddy because I wanted a family for her, I want her to know him and love him like I did...like I do...soooo, she and a I will just have to take this one day at a time together. SECOND, My life is NOT over. Yes, I have managed to complicate the hell out of it, and this is NOT going to be easy, but some people don't seem to remember or realize how much I have already lived. I've done and seen so much, and most importantly I have seen people do exactly what I want to do WITH their children. Every step I make will be in her best interest. Remember my favorite quote "YOU must be the change you wish to see in the World"???? I have to start with my daughter. If I want her to be compassionate, to appreciate her life and life in general, and to make Positive changes in the World she has to do it by getting her hands dirty, NOT by watching it on TV or the internet!

So....back to that song...it is now for my daughter. She is my angel, my salvation and my life.

"...WHen I'm feeling weak and my pain walks down a one-way street, I look above and I know I'll always be blessed with love, and as the feeling grows she breathes flesh to my bones..."

I'm so bad

It's been about 5 weeks since I've written :( You'd think that I would be on here everyday seeing how much I love to write but the truth is that when I'm depressed and distracted I get very disorganized and unmotivated. Which has been my life for about the last 6 weeks. The good news is that I am taking baby steps to reclaiming my life and putting it back together. If it weren't for my baby girl I don't think I would have even made it out of bed in the morning during this time, but I have to be strong for her and prove to her that life goes on no matter what happens.
As things begin to pick up for me again I would love to get on here and explain things and to write more and more and more. Lately I have been finding myself having flashbacks to moments in Guatemala and Honduras. The memories are so vivid and still bring me some sense of peace. I want to find a way to not only share these experiences with my daugther and to one day take her to these places. SOOOO, my priority right now is to start thinking of plans that could get us there..... Grad school? New Job? New Location? Time will tell......
WIth Love, Alissa