Eva meets her father

No matter how hard I have tried, I have been unable to process what happened between 9 pm Sunday and 10 pm Monday. For two years I have dreamt, literally and figuratively, about the day that Eva would meet her father. Waiting for that day has been the source of incredible pain and sadness. My dreams were almost always the same, me trying to track Pablo down, only to find him and have him tell me he had no interest in being a part of her life and I would watch him, happily with his new family, declare that she and I were mistakes. The continued disappointment of having him say he would come and then not hearing from him for longer and longer stretches took its toll, to the point were I went numb to anything he said. It was no different last week when he said that he would be in Michigan for the weekend. My first reaction was disappointment, because it was the same weekend as my sister's wedding, which meant we wouldn't be here for almost 2 of the days that he would be. The second was, "OK. sure. I’ll believe it when I see it". Of course, I still went on to daydream about what would happen. The difference this time though, I didn't feel anything. When I found out Sunday afternoon that he was in fact in Michigan, I still didn't feel much. At about 9 pm, I arrived at his hotel with Eva sound asleep in my arms. He was in the parking lot and he walked over and took Eva from me. She woke up on the walk to his room, but, she never got upset or tried to come to me. In the room, she was quiet for maybe 5 minutes. After that, she came alive. The way those two interacted for the next day absolutely amazed me. It was better than I ever dreamed of. They looked at each other and interacted with each other with such love and such ease, it was breathtaking. Nobody would have ever believed that this was their first day together. I kept staring at them in amazement and would say to him, “Pablo. Look at this. She knows you. She loves you.” I don’t know how she did it, but, I truly believe she knew that that was her father. In their short time together, he was able to see all of the best of Eva. He also got to experience one of my favorite daily rituals; waking up with her. They woke up first and I just heard him say “Good morning baby” and she just started talking and laughing. She never stopped. Just to back up a little, during the night she started to whimper, then cry. I told him that she was dreaming and it shouldn’t last long. He went ahead anyways and wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. Within seconds she stopped crying. Throughout the day Pablo would have moments where he would look at her with such love and wrap his arms around her and kiss her and say “I love you.” I could also see the guilt he’s felt for having put us through all that he has. At times, he would look at me and put his hand on mine and say, “Thank you. Thank you for doing this. This means so much to me. I’m so sorry for everything. I appreciate you giving me this moment.” When his friend stopped by, you could see how proud he was of her and he worked hard to show her off. Once again, she came through and was incredibly funny, talkative, intelligent and as cute as possible. When we had to leave, he walked her to the car and put her safely in her car seat, he lingered inside with tears in his eyes as he tried to prolong their last moments together.

Our short time together was monumental and beautiful. My parents are very disappointed in me and felt that I was endangering the life of my daughter. I really don’t have a response for them. I don’t feel that I need to explain the reasons why I did this or why I won’t cut Pablo out of her life. I also won’t explain why, even though it still bothers me, I don’t make a fuss about getting financial support from him… maybe I’ll explain it another day. Other people don’t believe he feels bad about what happened and that everything is a lie. I have been wrong about a LOT of things, but, I know him better than many people think. I was never innocent in all of this and it was a bad and difficult situation for every one involved and every one went on to deal with it the only way they knew how and, for Pablo, that was to run. That time yesterday set us both free. I was able to resolve the anger and resentment that I was dragging around and he was able to see and hear that we have put all the negativity in the past and don’t hate him. He now knows how wonderful our daughter is for himself and will be able to hear her powerful laugh in his head and see the goofy faces she makes when he thinks about her.

Yesterday was a day I will never forget. As for what it to come…I don’t know what our future holds. I don’t know if that one day really impacted him to the point where he will fight harder to be a part of her life. I can only continue to take it one day at a time. I have made it clear that I will not be the one to burn the bridge between Pablo and Eva, or Eva and her half-sisters. That is something she will have to do herself, if she decides to in the future.

Found this in my wallet, wrote it in Antigua, Guatemala

Subtle longings for a life I once led, fleeting moments of desire for what I can no longer posess; what I once touched I can no longer feel. Just memories. Nothing more. Nothing less. A life lived and not to be recreated…only reinvented. 10/1/2005

Down too long...

This is from my favorite author's blog today.... http://paulocoelhoblog.com/


The Strength of the Warrior

The warrior - inadvertently - takes a wrong step and falls into the abyss. Phantoms startle him, loneliness torments him. As always he sought the Good Combat, and didn’t think this would happen to him.
But it did. Surrounded by darkness, he communicates with his master.
"Master, I have fallen into the abyss," he says. "The waters are deep and dark."
"Remember one thing," replies the master. "That it is not the fall which drowns, but the length of time underwater."
And this causes the warrior to use all his strength to get out of the situation in which he finds himself.

So, I post this because I now realize that I let myself stay down for too long this time...I saw this coming some time ago, but, thought that I could manage things by myself, since I've been doing a decent job for the past few years, but, too much is too much this time around and I have had to reach out. I can only hope that not too much time will pass before I get the hell out of here....I don't like being underwater :-(

The wait is the hardest part...

It has been about 8 weeks, still no word from U of M :-( Well, that's not entirely true. Last Saturday I received a letter saying they needed to know what courses I'm currently enrolled in (which I put on the application) and they needed an offical transcript from WCC (which I already paid $20 for and submitted in person). Turns out the transcript must not have looked "official enough". I tried to sneak in my current grades with the course list and I can only hope that they have received the new official transcript and that I will get a decision letter next week. I honestly thought that I was going to turn in my application and then hear back while I was in Costa Rica in August. Every time I call to check on the status, I am told that I am guaranteed to hear something by December. DECEMBER!!!!! I will have gone completely nuts by then... I cross my fingers and hopefully with the power of positive thinking I will get an acceptance letter this upoming week...maybe next....I'm not very good at this waiting game.